My friends, you may have noticed that my post have been limited to the count down and my pictures. One of my friends in Texas is a reader of my blog and she asked me to PLEASE write a decent post. I realized that I am just waiting... waiting .... waiting..... And I have been quiet. Very quiet. I have been struggling with some very scary life events. Situations that good or bad can be hurtful, disappointing, and embarrassing. I have been quiet for the fear that if I open my mouth I will be unable to find my voice. To explain. To ask for forgiveness. To ask for help.
2008 has been a doozy! Anyone close to me knows that I have hidden my head in the sand refusing to deal with some very hurtful acts of betrayal. But, with the prayers of some very close friends and some very wise strangers, I moved into a different phase of my life. I moved forward in my dreams to become a mommy. I know many people were shocked when I made this decision, but I thank God that EVERYONE close to me has accepted and are excited about where I am.
Unfortunately, although God holds our future, and knows what will become, we are given freewill and are actions, inactions and reactions will have consequences. Despite God's greatest hopes for us to seek his face and follow him and allow him to direct our paths, often we take our own route. And for that we will have consequences. If only we could say "Lord, I'm sorry, my bad...." and all of the repercussions would be erased, wouldn't that be magnificent? What I do know is that no matter what... it will all turn out for good, according to God's purpose and plan.
In the coming days, I am faced with the repercussions of my own actions, inactions, and reactions. There was a point where I had given up and things were left uncared for and unresolved. It has put in jeopardy somethings that I worked hard to achieve.
I am a very talkative person, and I have rarely met a stranger. I had the opportunity to have two completely different conversations recently that made an impact on my outlook. The first conversation happened when I changed my insurance policy. The agent that helped me was as chatty as me and very witty. He kept me on the phone for 2 HOURS! And somewhere in there I decided to share with him a secret that I have not shared with many people. I don't have any ideal why. I also shared with him that I was adopting a child. Well later on in another conversation, the same guy was teasing me about my secret and I was pretty down about it and he told me that my future was already set and that I had to have endurance because "endurance is when the competition gives up and you are competing against yourself." It was just what I needed to hear. It just amazes me that God brings ppl in your life to be ready and in place to give you the motivation to keep moving forward.
The second conversation was with a girl that called about renting a property that I own. Now the Michigan market is horrible and some landlords will rent to anybody. I am blessed with a family that is very supportive of my ventures and I have been able to be more picky. It hasn't been the most financially satisfying decision but it has been a well thought out one. Anyway, so this girl starts telling me her story and I know almost immediately that I would not be able to rent to her. But her name sounded familiar and I asked her if she knew me and although she didn't recognize my name, I knew who she was and she was actually a friend of mine in elementary. I remember as a little girl that she had a really hard life so when she told me her story sadly it wasn't much different from what I expected. She started to tell me why she was moving and how her landlord was going into foreclosure and yet still collecting rent and had filed for a money judgment against her in court. I work as an extern in the court and I gave her detailed instructions on how to get back in front of the judge to resolve her situation. She seemed grateful and shared with me that she was a single mom to 3 children but fighting to take custody of her 20 year old sister's infant twin sons. Her sister had 6 children, the first died of SIDs and the others are 5, 3, 1 and the twin 2 month old boys. They are now in foster care because of some injuries to the 5 year old. The young lady works as a manager at KFC and had a very tight budget but yet she wanted desperately to try to get her nephews out of the system. I was amazed by her tenacity. I ended the conversation with the resolve that I will use my gifts to help others. I will remember to speak for those that are ignored not because of what they say but how they say it. I was challenged by her. And I was reminded of my own struggle, to find my own tenacity.
In the coming days I am struggling with remembering that God holds my fate. That God determines my path. I must remind myself that he is the ultimate decision maker and what others may perceive as an opportunity to shut a door is NOTHING because God opened the door. I must remind myself that my gifts are to be used to help others. And that they will not be taken from me because they were given to me by God.
When I wake up in the middle of the night, afraid of what awaits me, I must remind myself that God has told me to fear not. For each and every day, he has told me to FEAR NOT. And it appears 365 times in the Bible. Once for each day. How magnificent is that?
Its been a long time since I reached out and I apologize if this post seem coded. I ask all of my friends that read this to please pray with me and for me, that my situation will be settled in the coming days. And that I remember to FEAR NOT.